A Man, A Jeep, No Real Plan

Amazing Stories and Adventures

Road trip 2018

Days 21, 22, and 23: The Stumble Home

by

The journey home was a long one… I left Pheonix at 4:30 in the morning on day 21. I was a man on a mission. The mission was simple, drive 920 miles from Pheonix, AZ to Fort Collins, CO.

The trip took me through Santa Fe. That was a bit rough. I didn’t even have time to stop in and wave. You see, I have spent a few seasons working at the opera there, and I still have a lot of friends in the area. It was my intention to make an appearance as part of this adventure. However like so many things involving me and Santa Fe, it just wasn’t meant to be. Honestly if my track record for visiting is any indicator, it’s probably for the best. Still sad to be so close to so many I hold dear, but unable to swing by, but things will be as they are meant to be.

As I traveled further north I started to smell smoke. I bet you think It was Jeff. Shame on you.

My drive took me close enough to a few of the large fires that the smoke blocked out the sun. It was surreal to see the glow in the distance, the pinks and purples peaking through the clouds, and the realization that almost everyone else was smart enough to find a route that was further away from the fires. The wimps!

Well, around 9:30pm I arrived in Fort Collins, CO and got to visit with Keenan and Sarah. Keenan is literally my oldest friend. He grew up about a half mile through the woods from me and we bonded from an early age over video games, blowing things up, and a mutual understanding that there were no other playmates within walking distance. Haha. He has been my best friend, a roommate, and on more than one occasion the recipient of a drunken freaked out phone call. Sarah is the woman who tolerates us and I honestly have no clue why…

Well these two have been engaged forever. And by forever I mean I think in the amount of time they have been engaged I got engaged, married, and divorced. Everyone has given up on them ever actually doing it.

Well I think the fires I drove through were my preview to hell freezing over. They have set a date. October something 2019… They told me the day, but until I receive that save the date etched in stone I am not going to remember it.

The other news is that they asked if I would officiate their ceremony. After some negotiations on how much input I get and weather or not I have to wear pants to the ceremony, I graciously accepted. So internet, prepare to ordain me. I wonder if I pay a little extra can get a tittle? Like Arch Bishop DeLong? Would it be weird if I insisted on making people call me “your excellency” at the wedding? Don’t worry, I’ll let them kiss my ring. Haha

But seriously Keenan and Sarah, I am honored and I promise to only embarrass myself.

Day 22 was fairly uneventful as far as travels go. I drove a half hour to I-70 and then drove East for 8.5 hours to Amanda and Jakes in Kansas City. The only notable thing is that my water bottle tasted a bit off towards the end of the day. I thought nothing of it, but… we’ll get to that later.

So I arrived at Amanda and Jakes and their dog Cooper lost his mind. I’m talking jumping, rebounding off a wall, licking my face, into a back flip kinda excited. I am his favorite human. I think Amanda is a bit jealous.

Speaking of Amanda, she is kinda preggars at the moment. So we are not going to make any jokes about anything…

But I have already started thinking of all the memes that I am going to make out of this photo…

At any rate it was a lovely evening of hanging out and watching Firefly and shooting the shit with these two. Odds are the next time I see them I will have a tiny human who will no doubt have her mothers sass demanding my attention.

Day 23 should have been an easy one. Only 6 hours of driving home, 5 of which on I-70… well you remember how my water tasted a little off. I am going to say that was the issue. Because any other explanation would mean Amanda gave me food poisoning and I am pretty sure even implying that’s a possibility would be a serious infraction.

So, about 50 miles into my drive I started to experience, shall we say gastrointestinal distress. I made it to a truck stop and the took care of business, or so I thought. 4 miles down the road, the urge returned. Pulled off on the next exit and once again took care of business. After waiting a good long while to make sure it was safe to return to driving, I hit the road again. About 10 miles down the road I suddenly felt nauseous, and then I felt more than nauseous. I cut Jeff across 3 lanes of traffic while going 85mph. I slammed on my brakes the moment I hit that shoulder. I put Jeff in park the moment he was sort of stopped, flipped on the hazard lights, and made a B-line to the guardrail on the side of the road. That is were I went all exorcist. I have done a great many things on the side of highways over the years, but this is the first time I have violently vomited. I don’t recommend it.

I traveled the next 100 miles an exit at a time. Day 23 was going to be the last day on this adventure no matter what. Once I started feeling better I started skipping a few exits, until finally I was back to being a functional human being.

At 6:49 PM I pulled into my driveway and officially ended this adventure. 7,626 miles of driving over 16 states, 11 National parks visited, 13 friends visited, $4,126 worth of repairs to Jeff, 342 gallons of gas, $255 worth of gambling profits, 1 case of serious food poisoning, 1 new tattoo, and more stories than I can even currently comprehend.

That my friends was one hell of an adventure. Road Trip 2018 is over, but my journeys are far from over. I am currently sitting in my new home, or rather the gutted shell that will soon be known as “The DeLong Home For Adults Who Can’t Even”. I am flying to FL to start a new job that is a serious step foreword career wise in a little over a week. I also am not about to start adulting full time any time soon.

So, thank you for joining me on this round, but remember, life is an adventure and only you can embrace it.

“I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different points of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

-Eric Roth

Points scored on stumble:

– 2 points for visiting with friends

– 2 point for accruing another 1000 miles twice

Total score for this trip: 42

Do you want to be emailed every time I post something new? sign up for email notifications here:

Day 20: Driving in the Desert… Drink More Water…

by

9 am came way too early… But the time had come to start my stumble home. So I forced myself out of bed, took a shower, and started drinking as much water as possible.

You see, I know my body well, and I know that after a long night of adult beverages my biggest issue is always dehydration. I also knew that I was about to spend 5 hours driving through the desert to Pheonix with no AC. So the hydration process was key to getting ready to go.

At any rate once my room was packed up I headed downstairs and got checked out. I then did my normal “leaving Vegas” ritual. I went to the casino and I inserted the dozen cash out slips I had that were all worth a grand total of about 5 bucks into a penny a lot machine. I had just enough for one last spin on the slot machine. I won… and I don’t mean I won 20 bucks… I won one of the mini jackpots. I won’t tell you how much it was worth, or how much I had lost over the previous 2 days… But I walked out of the casino with $255 of the casinos money. That’s right, on my last spin, the one I only do because I don’t want to waste all of the pennies I have slips for, I won all of my money back… Plus $255.

So I bought several over priced water bottles and headed to Pheonix. I am so very very over driving through the desert. I mean it’s windy, it’s dry, it’s hot, and it’s bright. My eyes are great for low light environments (like back stage in theatres), but the evil day star gives me headaches if I don’t have sunglasses… Well guess what I left sitting at the bar last night? My sunglasses… I also apparently have lost both of my spare pairs. So I suffered for the first 150 miles of the trip. Oh I also drank about a gallon of water in that first 150 miles, because it’s the desert…

The first gas station I came across was this wonderful little oasis of chaos. I pulled into a scenario that was quickly reminding me of Mad Max (the good ones, not the reboot). You see the internet was down, which meant no credit/debit cards; they also didn’t accept checks. So it was a cash only situation. Turns out in this day and age no one carry’s enough cash to fill up their gas tanks. To make matters worse the next closest gas station is 40 miles away. So everyone was waiting for the internet to magically come back. Everyone who didn’t hit the jackpot on a penny slot machine that is. Haha!

So I negotiated getting someone to move their vehicle so I could get Jeff in and fill him up. Turns out all I had to do was give the guy cash for his gas and then he Venmo’ed me the money… I am so very glad no one figured out that’s what was going on or things could have gotten interesting. At any rate, I filled Jeff up, bought 2 pairs of cheap sunglasses, and another gallon of water.

I then drove the rest of the way to my first pit stop on the way home, Pheonix. I actually have several friends from college who live there now, so several of us went out to dinner, and then I was to bed by 9pm. Thank god, After the Vegas marathon I really needed a full night’s worth of sleep, especially since I plan on driving 920 miles to Fort Collins, CO tomorrow.

Daily Score: 2

– 1 point for visiting with friends

– 1 point for accruing another 1000 miles

Total score to date: 38

Do you want to be emailed every time I post something new? sign up for email notifications here:

Day 19: Adult Supervision Wouldn’t Have Hurt

by

Despite only have 2 hours of sleep I checked out of the Golden Nugget around 7am and dropped Jeff at the mechanic by 7:30.

I then immediately grabbed an Uber back to the nugget and got some breakfast. As I was sitting there I got a phone call from my friend Zach, he didn’t have a lot of time, but he swung by, we chatted for a few minutes and he offered to give me a ride anywhere in Vegas I want.

So I did what any sleep deprived individual who is avoiding adult responsibilities would do. I went to a casino and spent most of my day hopping up and down the strip loosing an embarrassing amount of money (spoiler for day 20, I get it back plus some).

Once Jeff had his front bearings replaced I picked him up and then checked into The Luxor. About the time I got settled in Zach sent me a text and asked if I wanted to grab some coffee and catch up properly.

We went to this local coffee shop he loves and spent a decent chunk of time catching up. Since we last saw each other he has gotten married, he now has 2 step daughters, AND a baby on the way. I wish I could have met the woman who domesticated the man who I used to literally travel the world with. That being said there was something about him that I never saw in my 2ish years of touring with him. He was smiling, and I don’t mean just as he chuckled at our jokes. He mentioned that he had had some offers to return to the touring world, gigs that the Zach I knew would have killed for, but he is genuinely happy sitting in one place and doing the family thing. It’s great to see an old friend not only doing well, but proving there is life after touring!

Speaking of old friends, I couldn’t help myself… I went to Blue Man and I used all of my inside knowledge of the show to hide in plain sight, get the blue dudes to take a selfie with my phone (wasn’t one of the performers I know), I got them them to repeat part of Tequila on the PVCs by yelling tequila at the right time and of course I tested if the lighting guy was paying attention and I clapped when the desk lamp was on the table to get him to turn it on and off. It was a blast, and the blue man I toured with never made me.

That is until I showed up to the meet and greet for a selfie. Haha

Post show Ethan and I met up at one of the bars in the casino for “a beverage”. That was around 11ish. By 11:15 we had introduced ourselves to a pair of ladies. Alice is from Sweden and Theresa is from Austria. They are in the states as part of an ESL emersion program for adults. The 4 of us sat at that bar until around 5:30 in the morning discussing everything from different American accents, to drug issues in Sweden. We also spent a lot of time figuring out that Theresa basically lives on a mountain in the middle of nowhere.

I crawled into my bed at 6:05 and set the alarm for 9am. The drive to Pheonix is gonna require caffeine in the morning, but today’s adventures were some of the best to date. In fact I think I’m counting this as my wild card score for the trip!

Daily Score: 7

– 1 point for visiting with Zach

– 1 point for visiting with Ethan

– 5 points for such a crazy “wild card” day

Total score to date: 36

Do you want to be emailed every time I post something new? sign up for email notifications here:

Day 18: Lets Do Some Gambling

by

I woke up this morning in my nearly abandoned campground with no real idea what my day had in store for me. All I knew was that I wanted to be in Vegas by 7:30am tomorrow to drop Jeff off at a mechanic.

So I had my usual breakfast and started to leisurely breakdown camp. Around 9am I pulled out, and picked a direction, because I had no cell coverage to acquire directions for the first 30 miles of my drive. Luckily I picked correctly!

Once you get out of the mountains and into the Mojave there is nothing… just 109 degrees and wind.

Speaking of wind… Dear Lord it’s intense… Jeff’s AC is still out of commission, so I have been rolling with both front windows all the way down since day one of this adventure. I also have a platform with a twin sized mattress, sheets, blankets, and now only one pillow. That’s right, I had a gust so intense that it grabbed one of my pillows, sucked it out my drivers window, and promptly set it underneath and 18 wheeler going the opposite direction. All while driving 70 miles an hour. That was the moment I truest realized what a gamble it is to drive through the desert.

Someone, actually several someone’s lost that gamble. Traffic came to a standstill for about a half hour due to an overturned semi. Being the smart owner of an older vehicle (that doesn’t have AC anyways) I turned Jeff off. Once traffic started up again I passed 3 (newer) cars that had overheated while sitting idling with their AC blasting. All of this before I hit Death Valley.

When I finally got to Death Valley I only had about a gallon of water left of the 4 I started the drive with. More than enough to get me to Vegas, assuming Death Valley didn’t try to kill Jeff. Also the front bearings on Jeff are in dire condition (hence the need for a mechanic in Vegas). This is probably the biggest gamble I have taken with Jeff to date.

Like the Solar boiler I stumbled upon on the other side of the valley, Jeff was a shining star. No overheating, no wheels falling off, not even the usual unexplained noise from under the passenger seat (I honestly think I lost a bear bell down there).

And for his good behavior Jeff got Valet Parking at the Golden Nugget. That’s right folks, it was high time I got a shower and if you’re going to Vegas, you might as well stay in a casino.

They also have this awesome shark tank in their pool area…

At any rate, I hopped through the shower and started my evening in the casino. I am not going to say how far up I was at one point, but when I called it quits I was only 100 in the hole. I really never do quit when I’m ahead…

After that I stumbled into the streets to see what I could find. I ended up at a club that featured a balcony overlooking this plaza.

As I got into the elevator a group of officers who were in town for a wedding, asked about the kilt and I ended up spending my evening with this crazy group. There was drinking, hand rolled cigars, dancing, more drinking, and a lot of story swapping. We had a blast.

I finally found my bed around 4:45am. My alarm is going off at 6:30 so I can get Jeff to the mechanic when they open. Tomorrow is gonna be a very interesting day!

Daily Score: 1

– 1 point for accruing another 1,000 miles

Total score to date: 29

Do you want to be emailed every time I post something new? sign up for email notifications here:

Day 17: Not As Adventurous

by

I woke up this morning to an email with official word that I passed my pre-employment drug screen and background check. So it was time to let the cat out of the bag about everything that I have been keeping on the DL for the past few weeks. I’d like to thank all of you for the outpouring of congratulations and support. That being said, due to the infrequent cell coverage out here I was getting all of your messages and social media notifications every 15 minutes or so in nearly unmanageable quantities. So I did not get a photo of my breakfast of champions.

So, I may have overdone it a bit yesterday with my hiking… so today I chose a much more touristy trail through the sequoia grove. These trees are impressive, not as massive as their cousins at Redwood National Forest, but still massive.

After that I did a scenic drive around the valley, hitting all of the touristy overlooks as well as a drive through the tunnel.

My evening was spent trying to figure out my return home. I am going to try and couch surf my way back to Indiana and visit with friends I haven’t seen in years. I think the return order is going to be Vegas, Pheonix, Fort Collins, Kansas City and then home… but who knows how my adventures will actually end up.

Daily Score: 0

Total score to date: 28

Do you want to be emailed every time I post something new? sign up for email notifications here: