A Man, A Jeep, No Real Plan

Amazing Stories and Adventures

potty training

4/30/20 F@*king Chutes and Ladders

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Have you ever tried teaching a toddler how to play Chutes and Ladders? It’s easier than potty training, but you may inadvertly teach them a few new words.

Words similar to the ones you utter when you strip off siding and find carpenter ants… Luckily the house has a life time chemical barrier on it, so one quick phone call and the bug guy was out here spraying. Luckily the dammage was localized, so we’ll just replace a few studs and keep moving. In the real life game of Chutes and Ladders, this is a freak’n chute my friends.

Another “chute” in the real life game is watching the wrong movie on date night. If you ever stumble across a movie titled, The Man Who Killed Hitler and then the Bigfoot. KEEP SCROLLING. There is no better way to kill a date night than this movie. It had everything but a coherent storyline and a competent/sober editor. I mean it has a star studded cast, Nazi’s, romance, secret government agencies, a botched mugging of a badass old man, and Bigfoot! How on earth can this not be an amazing film?

Well, if you go down the acid trip induced rabit hole that is this film… You will have many questions. Questions such as, what is in the box under his bed? What happened to his Girlfriend? Why did he fake his death? Why did he come back after faking his death? How does Bigfoot know Kung-Fu?

Seriously folks, if you curl up with your significant other to watch a movie on a kid free evening… Even bad B-grade Sci-Fi is better than this atrocious film. There is only one thing that will ruin the mood faster…

That one thing is laughing when the Tiny Terrorist gets frustrated and yells Damnit… Yes it is cute, especially since he uses the term properly… But laughing, even if not in the presence of the Tiny Terrorist is unacceptable. It is also mortifying to Pretty Lady, who taught him this word. Parenting is hard and mistakes are made… Kinda like when you are play Chutes and Ladders and you make the Tiny Terrorist cry by winning twice in a row…

My mistake for the week was building and teaching the Tiny Terrorist how to use a rope swing in our back yard.

Of course over the course of teaching him to use the swing, he challenged me for dominance of the tribe. This challenge could not be ignored!

But I think we can call it a draw…

Now his dominance over the swing was definitely a failure… he later fell off and hit his head so hard his shoe fell off… Both he and his mother blame me for the incident. I would like it to be noted that at the time of the incident, I was the one taking photos while he and Pretty Lady were on the swing… The chutes and ladder game of life definitely dropped him on his ass though…

Now my ladder for the week was a big one. The Florida Department of Economic Opportunity finally processed my unemployment claim! after 39 days of pending, I am now recieving unemploymeny insurance at last!

That being said I am still up for instigating anarchy by becoming the mayor of a shanty town in their front lawn. The system is clearly broken and millions of people in Florida are still waiting on these bureaucratic clowns to get their shit together.

Days Unemployed: 41

Unemployed adventure points earned on this update: 3 points for Tiny Terrorist going to time out (1 each), 1 point for powering through that god awful movie, 1 point for the rope swing and resulting battle for dominance, 14 points for little man using the potty, negative 9 points for tiny terrorist having an accident.

To see the full list of how I can earn points, check out: http://amanajeepnorealplan.com/tylers-coronavirus-unemployment-adventure-point-system/

This Update’s total points: 10

Total to date: 69

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4/24/20 Just Shave the Kid, Fix the House, Potty Training, and Unfriendly Websites

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So, from time to time as a parent you do something colossally dumb… For me it was the misconception that I could give the tiny terrorist a buzz cut myself. It had been discussed that he needed a hair cut, it had been discussed that we could just buzz it, but I went rogue and tried to do it while Pretty Lady was in the shower.

She emerged from the bathroom to enough hair on the floor to knit a tiny terrorist sized sweater, a child who had had enough cookies that they were no longer working for bribery, and he may have looked like he had mange. She took the clippers, revoked my decision making privileges, and attempted to fix his hair… He looks less mangy, but we do need a professional to correct what I did…

Speaking of fixing things, Dad and I have started removing all of the sidding on the house. It was wood paneling that stopped at the rock “half wall”. The wood panelling has deteriorated, and it has been leaking water behind the rock wall for decades… The plan is to replace the wood panelling with cement board (with a wood grain pattern on it) that will run the full height of the house and then be covered by the rock halfwall (which will only be ornamental this time around).

Of course we found exactly what one would expect when opening up the walls. Slight water damage, and a crap ton of ants…. Lots and lots of ants… The fact that spraying hasn’t solved my ant problem makes a lot of sense now…

That being said, at least it gave me an excuse to get a new toy… I’ll admit so far I’ve been using Dad’s and not mine, but… I now have my very own reciprocating saw…

Another tool that hasn’t really been used… We have begun potty training the tiny terrorist. In the last 36 hours he has used the potty 8 times and gone in his pants 13. It should also be noted that he refuses to poop in the potty, that apparently has to happen in his pants for now… At least he is now telling us when he has had an accident, so thats a step in the right direction.

Pretty Lady also got this little urinal to keep in the living room. Tiny Terrorist does not get it… at all… I offered to demonstrate, but Pretty Lady reminded my that ideas like that are why I had my decision making privileges revoked.

Speaking of people who should not be permitted to make decisions, whomever the hell created an unemployment system so broken beyond use that they have to shut it down for days on end, should not only have their decision making privileges revoked… They should have their internet privileges revoked. I mean for crying out loud, it was bad enough that the site was so over loaded that you couldn’t log on to request your benifits until 2 am. Then they decided to shut the system down from 8pm to 8am everyday, so staying up all night to fill out the freak’n forms no longer works… but thats not unfriendly enough for this freaking system, now they have shut it down for 5 days straight…. I swear to god, it better be a finely tuned machine when they bring it back online.

In other news I am boning up on my 1920’s era depression survival tricks. Once the “Shelter at Home” orders are over, I’m debating declaring myself mayor of a shanty town that I am contemplating building on the front lawn of the Florida Department Of Economic Opportunity.

Days Unemployed: 35

Unemployed adventure points earned on this update: 5 points for Tiny Terrorist going to time out (1 each), 1 points for trying to buzz cut Tiny Terrorist solo, 1 point for trying to pee in the training urinal, 8 points for little man using the potty, negative 13 points for tiny terrorist having an accident.

To see the full list of how I can earn points, check out: http://amanajeepnorealplan.com/tylers-coronavirus-unemployment-adventure-point-system/

This Update’s total points: 2

Total to date: 59

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