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4/3/20 Climbing Trees with Chainsaws, Family Projects, and Antifreeze Colored Geysers

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Yes, you read that right, I climbed the above tree with a chainsaw. Why you may ask, because there were dead limbs that I am wanting to build things under, I’m too cheap to even consider hiring someone to come do it for me, I momentarily was left unsupervised, and Pretty Lady didn’t think I could do it.

In my defense, I have been using a chainsaw since I was a kid (something about growing up in southern Indiana), and I have been climbing trees since I was very very little. My mother likes to tell a story about one time when we were visiting my grandmother when I was little (3 or 4). Mom was in the Kitchen with Grandma doing the dishes and she looks out the window to see me up the apple tree. Grandma leans over, looks at me and say’s “just break his knees now, it’ll save you a lot of grief”

Well I am pleased to say Mom did not take Grandma’s advice, and after about a half hour of climbing and a little bit of creative positioning I managed to cut down the dead limbs without any injury to myself. I also received the honor of being told by the Tiny Terrorist to be careful.

Once the limbs were down, cleaning up around the tree became a family project. And by that I mean I dragged off the big limbs and then left Caitlyn and Grant to clean out the rest of the junk while played with the chainsaw elsewhere. The list of things they found in that pile includes, but is not limited to, various styles of wire fencing, various types of fence posts, vines, a hammer, and bricks.

Luckily I had trained Grant in the fine art of brick stacking the day before with the family project of clearing junk away from the drive way.

As you can see, my parents got Grant “Grant” sized tools for his birthday. As you can see above, he had a bit of a learning curve on how to use his shovel. That being said, he did spend the majority of a morning helping spread gravel.

Grant did however take a break from shoveling gravel to “tune up” my lawn mower… Or at least I think that’s what he thought he was doing when I found him.

I’m not going to lie, watching him try to figure out a crescent wrench was adorable, unfortunately teaching him the first rule of using your fathers tools resulted in a melt down… Put it back where you found it when you’re done! I mean seriously kid, I am letting you have free reign over the tools in the garage (ok, only the ones he can reach and yes I make sure the dangerous ones are out of reach), but the least you can do is put the wrench back on the nail when you’re done.

I have to say, the tool melt down was at least understandable, unlike the above photo. This melt down was brought to you by a mean mommy who wouldn’t come downstairs to change the TV show. Apparently I am incapable of doing it, even though I was sitting next to him holding the remote when he grabbed it and started to demand Mom come and do it.

Thankfully we all are getting breaks from each other a few time a week when my Mom watches Grant. She does this so Caitlyn can work on school stuff uninterrupted, but I will admit we have dragged our feet a bit on picking him up… I honestly have no clue what all they do, but apparently there is some fort building, and tower building, and a whole lot of quality grandma time. I really don’t know how she does it, but he is worn out and actually volunteers for a nap after spending a few hours with his “Gammy B”… So Yes, we drag our feet on picking him up a little bit…

Speaking of my parents and the mysterious ways they operate. Last night Dad, Bob, and I worked on Jeff until almost 2am.

At one point in time I see Dad using electrical tape to attached a rubber host to the end of a shop vac… It was one of those, “this is either going to be genius, or dumb” ideas… So I had to ask what he was doing. He was devising a way to suck out the oil and any debris that had fallen into the cylinder. Well, it worked… He used the hill-jack engineered device to clean out the cylinder to everyones satisfaction.

A few hours later, Jeff was reassembled and we turned the key in the ignition. I want to go on record as stating that Jeff started right up and ran beautifully! Ok, so there was an antifreeze colored geyser coming out of the hole in the head block that none of use noticed until then, but Jeff ran!!! Apparently the new head block has a hole in it that the old one did not, none of use noticed it until the geyser and we did not have a plug for said hole, so Jeff was left sitting over night. That being said, I am claiming the 10 points for getting Jeff back up and running.

Days Unemployed: 14

Unemployed adventure points earned on this update: 5 points for Tiny Terrorist going to time out (1 each), 2 points for tiny terrorist telling me to be careful while climbing with a chainsaw, 2 points for doing something that should get me killed (climbing with chainsaw), 10 points for getting Jeff up and running, 2 points for getting the weed eater up and running.

To see the full list of how I can earn points, check out: http://amanajeepnorealplan.com/tylers-coronavirus-unemployment-adventure-point-system/

This Update’s total points: 21

Total to date: 34

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3/28/20 A Toddler, A Gym and a Con-Artist Cat

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Hello Friends! The mornings here in Southern Indiana are quiet and calm this time of year. It’s wet and cool in the mornings and warm and sunny in the afternoons… Or warm and thunder storming, depending on the day and how badly I want to work outside.

Despite the uncooperative weather, I have gotten out and done some yard work. Nothing too massive, just cutting down some dead trees and other general house keeping kind of yard work. Hopefully I’ll get around to ripping out the old fence and replacing it with something serviceable soon. Pretty Lady says we need a dog, and I am refusing to get one until we have a fenced in yard. Another benefit to a fenced in yard will be the ability to toss Tiny Terrorist outside to burn off some energy.

Speaking of Grant, his daycare closed down last week, so he is participating in “Daddy Daycare” these days. So far the highlights are being able to ride in the “big truck”, helping select supplies for the home renovation, and selling me out to his mother for a stick of cheese.

So far we have finished putting the floor into the home gym without any further injury. We put up the baseboards without any bleeding, or wrong angles cut. We also assembled the weight machine. I may have expanded his vocabulary and bleed a little bit on this one. That being said I now know if I scream obscenities and wrap my shirt around a bleeding finger Grant responds by yelling “OH NO!” and run out of the room repeating it until he finds his mommy. At which time he will ask for a piece of cheese and forget all about his injured dad. The kid’s got priorities and apparently I fall below cheese sticks.

Of course in true tiny terrorist fashion he also feels the need to destroy everything he comes into contact with. Yesterday his day care sent out an email asking how many families would use the daycare if they were to open back up. If 40 families commit to sending their child each day, they will be reopening. Do you have any idea how hard it is to voice an interest in this without sounding like your kid is driving you crazy?

I legit wanted to respond back with, “We would love to send Grant back to you everyday, he misses daycare and we miss him burning off energy. By the way, is he a bit of an asshole for you too? or does he just hate us?”

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kid and Caitlyn and I are enjoying this time to bond with Grant… But time out does not have the effect it used to. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he still cries and negotiates trying to avoid it once he’s been sentenced. That being said, he has figured out that time out doesn’t last forever and once he’s in his chair, he stares at the wall and does his time like a hardened criminal. The moment his time is up, he goes right back to what he was doing that landed him in trouble, but tries to not get caught this time…

Speaking of getting caught, I would like you to meet Lenny, also known as Sherbet, Pumpkin, Demon Spawn, and probably a few other aliases that the authorities haven’t found yet. Lenny is a stray cat that has adopted the neighborhood. She sleeps in one of our neighbors chicken coops and they feed her. She knocks at our window at 7:30am every morning and we feed her. She visits my neighbors on the other side in the afternoons, and I suspect there are a few others around here on her daily routine. Well Lenny, the jig is up. The humans have communicated and while I am certain we are all going to continue to feed you, I am no longer getting out of bed before the Tiny Terrorist requires it just to feed you.

Days Unemployed: 7

Unemployed adventure points earned on this update: 3 points for Tiny Terrorist going to time out (1 each), 1 point for tiny terrorist being told to be careful while we were assembling the weight machine, 2 points for me getting hurt because tiny terrorist wasn’t careful and pulled on the damn pulley while my fingers were in it.

To see the full list of how I can earn points, check out: http://amanajeepnorealplan.com/tylers-coronavirus-unemployment-adventure-point-system/

This Update’s total points: 6

Total to date: 13

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Days 21, 22, and 23: The Stumble Home

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The journey home was a long one… I left Pheonix at 4:30 in the morning on day 21. I was a man on a mission. The mission was simple, drive 920 miles from Pheonix, AZ to Fort Collins, CO.

The trip took me through Santa Fe. That was a bit rough. I didn’t even have time to stop in and wave. You see, I have spent a few seasons working at the opera there, and I still have a lot of friends in the area. It was my intention to make an appearance as part of this adventure. However like so many things involving me and Santa Fe, it just wasn’t meant to be. Honestly if my track record for visiting is any indicator, it’s probably for the best. Still sad to be so close to so many I hold dear, but unable to swing by, but things will be as they are meant to be.

As I traveled further north I started to smell smoke. I bet you think It was Jeff. Shame on you.

My drive took me close enough to a few of the large fires that the smoke blocked out the sun. It was surreal to see the glow in the distance, the pinks and purples peaking through the clouds, and the realization that almost everyone else was smart enough to find a route that was further away from the fires. The wimps!

Well, around 9:30pm I arrived in Fort Collins, CO and got to visit with Keenan and Sarah. Keenan is literally my oldest friend. He grew up about a half mile through the woods from me and we bonded from an early age over video games, blowing things up, and a mutual understanding that there were no other playmates within walking distance. Haha. He has been my best friend, a roommate, and on more than one occasion the recipient of a drunken freaked out phone call. Sarah is the woman who tolerates us and I honestly have no clue why…

Well these two have been engaged forever. And by forever I mean I think in the amount of time they have been engaged I got engaged, married, and divorced. Everyone has given up on them ever actually doing it.

Well I think the fires I drove through were my preview to hell freezing over. They have set a date. October something 2019… They told me the day, but until I receive that save the date etched in stone I am not going to remember it.

The other news is that they asked if I would officiate their ceremony. After some negotiations on how much input I get and weather or not I have to wear pants to the ceremony, I graciously accepted. So internet, prepare to ordain me. I wonder if I pay a little extra can get a tittle? Like Arch Bishop DeLong? Would it be weird if I insisted on making people call me “your excellency” at the wedding? Don’t worry, I’ll let them kiss my ring. Haha

But seriously Keenan and Sarah, I am honored and I promise to only embarrass myself.

Day 22 was fairly uneventful as far as travels go. I drove a half hour to I-70 and then drove East for 8.5 hours to Amanda and Jakes in Kansas City. The only notable thing is that my water bottle tasted a bit off towards the end of the day. I thought nothing of it, but… we’ll get to that later.

So I arrived at Amanda and Jakes and their dog Cooper lost his mind. I’m talking jumping, rebounding off a wall, licking my face, into a back flip kinda excited. I am his favorite human. I think Amanda is a bit jealous.

Speaking of Amanda, she is kinda preggars at the moment. So we are not going to make any jokes about anything…

But I have already started thinking of all the memes that I am going to make out of this photo…

At any rate it was a lovely evening of hanging out and watching Firefly and shooting the shit with these two. Odds are the next time I see them I will have a tiny human who will no doubt have her mothers sass demanding my attention.

Day 23 should have been an easy one. Only 6 hours of driving home, 5 of which on I-70… well you remember how my water tasted a little off. I am going to say that was the issue. Because any other explanation would mean Amanda gave me food poisoning and I am pretty sure even implying that’s a possibility would be a serious infraction.

So, about 50 miles into my drive I started to experience, shall we say gastrointestinal distress. I made it to a truck stop and the took care of business, or so I thought. 4 miles down the road, the urge returned. Pulled off on the next exit and once again took care of business. After waiting a good long while to make sure it was safe to return to driving, I hit the road again. About 10 miles down the road I suddenly felt nauseous, and then I felt more than nauseous. I cut Jeff across 3 lanes of traffic while going 85mph. I slammed on my brakes the moment I hit that shoulder. I put Jeff in park the moment he was sort of stopped, flipped on the hazard lights, and made a B-line to the guardrail on the side of the road. That is were I went all exorcist. I have done a great many things on the side of highways over the years, but this is the first time I have violently vomited. I don’t recommend it.

I traveled the next 100 miles an exit at a time. Day 23 was going to be the last day on this adventure no matter what. Once I started feeling better I started skipping a few exits, until finally I was back to being a functional human being.

At 6:49 PM I pulled into my driveway and officially ended this adventure. 7,626 miles of driving over 16 states, 11 National parks visited, 13 friends visited, $4,126 worth of repairs to Jeff, 342 gallons of gas, $255 worth of gambling profits, 1 case of serious food poisoning, 1 new tattoo, and more stories than I can even currently comprehend.

That my friends was one hell of an adventure. Road Trip 2018 is over, but my journeys are far from over. I am currently sitting in my new home, or rather the gutted shell that will soon be known as “The DeLong Home For Adults Who Can’t Even”. I am flying to FL to start a new job that is a serious step foreword career wise in a little over a week. I also am not about to start adulting full time any time soon.

So, thank you for joining me on this round, but remember, life is an adventure and only you can embrace it.

“I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different points of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

-Eric Roth

Points scored on stumble:

– 2 points for visiting with friends

– 2 point for accruing another 1000 miles twice

Total score for this trip: 42

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Musings from the weight bridge.

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I love when a Broadway style show comes through my home road house. Yes, it makes me nostalgic for road life, but when road people cross paths, it’s a social highlight. I spent the beginning of load in stranded 80 feet above the road crew and I barely spoke to any of them before I headed up. Actually, walking into the day I didn’t think I knew any of them personally on this one, but I always have mutual friends with just about every single roadie.

You see, when roadies cross paths I like to compare it to when fur traders used to cross paths in the wilderness. We share information, we compare notes on who is currently working with who. Who is having a good run of luck and who isn’t. Unfortunately there is almost always a death in the road family that someone hasn’t heard about yet as well. Thankfully there were none of those this time around.

On coffee break during load in I chatted with a carpenter by the name of Zach. He and I were talking about what tours I’ve done, places I’ve worked, hadn’t even started mentioning friends yet, and he looks at me and goes, “You’re Tyler DeLong, aren’t you?”. I’m guilty as charged, so I just look at him and ask, “what stories have you heard?” Apparently he’s really good friends with someone I worked with in Santa Fe a few summers ago. I don’t know which stories he’s heard, but I do know that I plan on finding out.

I was downstairs after lunch, but when I left the bridge we had put a serious dent in the supply of weights…

First thing after lunch I saw Dani. I have not seen her in years. She and I toured Mamma Mia together back in the day. At any rate, I saw her walking across the stage after lunch and I immediately threw my hat at her, ran up, hugged/picked her up and immediately decreed that we were going to have drinks post show.

I’ve tried to explain it before, and I’ll do it again here. Your crew on tour is your family. You spend months working, sleeping, and playing with these people never being more than a few feet away. They know all your secrets, you know all of theirs. You know who is single, you know who isn’t, you know who is cheating on their girl back home, and you know exactly how long it’s been since each person on that bus last got laid. The bonds that are formed through your shared adventures are tested and true. Seeing Dani after all these years… and immediately picking right up like it had only been a few days. That is the kind of friend you make on a tour buss or in a foxhole… Honestly I think Dani and I probably have been done both. Haha

A good portion of the rest of my day was spent catching up with Dani and plotting taking the majority of her company out to the bars post show.

Post show is a bit fuzzy. I caught up with Dani, I put some faces to names I’ve heard over the years, and I had more than a few people look at me and go, “Wait, you’re Tyler DeLong? I know so and so and they told me about the time you <insert story that I will never confirm or deny>!” haha! I also spent a good portion of the evening playing pool with the head electrician… she talked a big game, but after I won 4 games straight… I’m not buying it.

The next morning was not pleasant. I didn’t make it to bed until a quarter to five. My alarm went off a little before 9 and I was still at the climbing gym by 10. Rock climbing while hung over is not pleasant. My muscles were cramping, my fingers weren’t working, and according to the staff I was sweating pure jack n coke.

Post that I dropped some doughnuts off for the road crew on my way to work at Theatre department. After working at the theatre I had a show call at the Auditorium, and now I am right back where I was when I started writing this yesterday. On the weight bridge tossing weights.

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Shameless self promotion, an orchestra, too much wine, and a muddy hole. Not in that order…

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For some, a phone call from their father asking for a hand means carrying Christmas boxes down from the attic. My father doesn’t even consider calling for a hand until heavy machinery is involved. You see the farm has a well and we have quite a bit of waterline running all over the farm. From time to time, as the ground freezes and thaws, it shifts ever so little, and over the years, it cause the joints between the pipes to spring a leak. When this happens my father and any help he can round up go on a scavenger hunt that results in a giant mud hole… kinda like this one:

The whole process actually isn’t that bad normally… Unfortunately I was a bit worse for wear this time around. I had a bit of a rough night on Friday evening and in my infinite wisdom I chose to drink a lot of wine… seriously, why is wine so tasty? Also, why must the sugar in wine make what would be a slightly unpleasant morning due to alcohol, seem like death warmed over? Or maybe it was the tequila… nope, I’m blaming the wine.

Speaking of wine, while consuming on a different evening I realized that my route will take me within 2 hours of New Orleans… So we have added another stop to the plan. I’ll be in New Orleans August 8th to 10th now. The route page reflects this change.

I’ve also acquired some shameless self promotion for this trip. I now have business cards and bumper stickers. I also have smaller stickers on order, but they haven’t arrived yet. I will get traffic up on this blog one way or another!

The only other adventure I’ve had lately was the Minnesota Orchestra. They played the local road house last week and I was fortunate enough to work the performance. Literally all I did was roll a piano on stage, and then off again. A nice easy call. The downside, they made me wear a suit… I mean I look good, but I really would rather not

On that note, I’m off to work in my wood shop, but here is my rather stoic selfie from the Orchestra.

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