Ok, It’s not actually Grant’s Birthday, that was weeks ago, but due to the whole pandemic thing, his party with all of his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other willing victims got cancelled.
So here we are 3 weeks later and we’ve brought together his grandparents, a great aunt, and most importantly ice cream and cake.
Of course there were presents, surprisingly no one got him anything too obnoxious. I mean, yes there was a soccer ball, but I think the kid needs to put on about 30 more pounds before any of my windows are in danger.
Well I should say the only gift of any concern came from Pretty Lady and I. It is a 12 foot long plastic roller coaster contraption. To say it’s a hit is an understatement. The part that I’m impressed with is that he has only bled once since getting it 3 days ago.
So when he isn’t trying to kill himself on his new toy, the tiny terrorist has been my constant companion. He has gotten over his periodic “not the mamma” fits and even threw a “not the daddy” fit with the pretty lady the other day. But this section is not about him, it’s about Jeff. When I last spoke of my beloved Jeep, he had an antifreeze colored geyser coming out of a random hole in his new head block. Well I am pleased to announce that a plug has been procured for the hole and the engine is running just fine now. Upon trying to take Jeff for a test drive, it was discovered that his brake lines were rusted out. I am proud to say it only took 2 days and 5 trips to the parts store to get the brake lines replaced on Jeff. Once he was “road worthy” I started driving him. The above photo was taken when I was replacing the serpentine belt under the watchful eye of the tiny terrorist.
Of course once it was done Tiny Terrorist demanded a test drive. As you can see from his face, he is not sold on it’s road worthiness. You see, Jeff violently vibrates when you get above about 40 miles an hour. I suspect that this is just the tires needing to be run a bit because Jeff sat on them for almost 2 years. Of course I need to get the tires rotated and balanced, but there is the possibility that my universal joint is going out… I’m hoping not, but Jeff is a dick, so I’ll let you know when I get around to replacing it.
Speaking of dicks, everyone involved in the Florida unemployment system currently qualifies in my book. If any of you underachieving bureaucrats read this, please feel free to reach out and prove me wrong. I would LOVE to speak to you instead of get the run-around from your website and automated phone system. I filed for unemployment 3 weeks ago. I totally understand that you are overwhelmed, but it took 7 hours and dozens of times starting over because your feak’n system kept crashing to file online. My claim is still pending (it’s been 3 weeks), and I think I am supposed to call you and verify my identity, but when I call, I get a message that says you’re experiencing a “higher than normal call volume and you’re automated call back system is down”. The line then goes dead. This is how it has been for 3 weeks, and I have to say, I’m starting to contemplate handing out pitchforks, torches, and relearning the words to “Do You Hear the People Sing” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYb9sRLUDyM). I do not want to collect unemployment, but Covid-19 has destroyed my industry. There are no jobs in the entertainment industry to be had, my reserves are going to run out long before people are gathering for shows again, and there is very little demand for my skill set elsewhere.
Unless anyone would like to hirer me to build a guillotine in their back yard, no questions, half payment up front, cash only.
Days Unemployed: 19
Unemployed adventure points earned on this update: 2 points for Tiny Terrorist going to time out (1 each), 1 point for tiny terrorist telling me to be careful while crawling under my jeep while it was running, 2 points for doing something that should get me killed (crawling under jeep while it was running).
To see the full list of how I can earn points, check out: http://amanajeepnorealplan.com/tylers-coronavirus-unemployment-adventure-point-system/
This Update’s total points: 5
Total to date: 39
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